Sunday, September 21, 2014

Daddy Did It


Cleaning up my gear in the transition area. The medal was enough to convince my son that I "won." As far as I was concerned, for first timers that signed up a few days before and didn't know the first thing about tris, I was indeed the winner.  
Hey all, literally years since I've dropped in on a blog...a few of you have asked about the triathlon, so I thought I'd compose something a bit more put together than an email.

I started swimming with a Masters group this spring, and I've been sporadically working out with this group of ex college and high school swimmers at six o'clock in the morning. They are all stronger than me, and I feel like I am drowning some of the time, but I feel amazing when I get out of the water–none of the stiffness or soreness that follows long bike rides or runs. One of the swimmers is my colleague, a middle school English teacher, and she introduced herself at our first faculty meeting this fall by saying she was excited about the triathlon she was doing that weekend. I asked her about it afterward, she encouraged me to go for it, and so I got on the computer and just signed up. I guess the thought had occurred to me in the past that I enjoyed all the sports in triathlon, and maybe I would do one some day. Some day was that Tuesday morning, a week before my first official day with students.

I was immediately nervous. Actually, panicked. I admittedly lost a lot of sleep over the next five nights, palms sweating over the swim start, the thought of bonking the way I had a few times on long bike rides, or just the logistics of what gear or how much food or water I needed. I talked to lots of triathletes, did some Internet research, and kept running into encouraging, positive people. Everyone seemed to think it was going to be great, all the way up to the moments before the gun. Eventually, I bought this attitude, and a wave of calm washed over me the morning of the race, even if my guts churned a bit with the 4:30 am wakeup.

The swimming was hectic. The first third was adrenaline, the second third was panic as I came down from that initial burst, the last third was flow. I got swum over hard by one guy after the first buoy, and I got mad, and it really took it out of me. I started to doubt myself; it seemed like a long way to go, but eventually I found my rhythm and started passing people. I jogged up and over a train platform to the transition, threw on my bike gear and took off on the Oakland streets. The serious athletes with their space-age helmets passed me, but I did most of the passing. This was my area of most experience. By the time I put my running shoes on, I knew I could do it. The first mile was challenging, but then it was rhythm and determination. I felt great at the finish line. My wife and children met me a few minutes later, having taken the bus from Berkeley, and we shopped for vegetables at the Jack London farmers market until I could no longer stand.

I did a lot of lounging over the next two days, drank a lot of water, and ate a bunch of protein. I drank some beer, and at one point I even caught myself looking up the next local events. I have put in for the lottery for the Escape from Alcatraz. I find myself biking, swimming, and running every week, and my distances suddenly have a lot more meaning. I want to train to do a half Ironman. Sometimes life just tosses you these things and you have to roll with them. If not now, when? Seems like a good plan for the next twenty years or so!



Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Round 2

It feels more like round 12 of a heavyweight bout, and, by the way, I'm a featherweight. This time around I've succumb to the reality that there will be no more of this "me" business, no more pretending like I can entertain steelhead dreams and maybe squeeze in a trip up El Cap some weekend. Ha. The nice part of this transformation (that's a big word, I know, but that's what it has been) is that it turns out to be pretty darn rewarding at the end of a day, as I squeeze in a half hour–or hark, an hour!–of an HBO show everyone else saw seven years ago. Thank you, Netflix. Too bad everyone hates you now.

Yet my ambitions remain. For awhile I motivated to wake up at six and go for a miniature bike ride or run–which was great for a few weeks–then the kids started waking up with my alarm. That meant my wife was on for child care in the pre-dawn hours while I exhilarated myself in the Berkeley hills. So I got sneakier. I was a crepuscular ninja that set a mental alarm and snuck from his side of the bed, straddled the dog bed, groped hopefully for the bike shorts on the shelf, then avoided the first, second, and third squeaky boards that separate the bedroom from the more acoustically-safe dining room. The fog of the previous eve's night cap did not help, let me tell you, and by the time I mounted my bike at the end of the driveway I was on pins and needles. Too often I returned to all the lights on in the house and what I knew would be a pissed-off mommy. So much for dawn patrol.

My latest attempt at staving off a daddy gut, and a weak one I admit, has been to take my 4-month old daughter mushroom hunting with me on the weekends. I win a few points for parenting and score some much-needed exercise. Note that mushroom hunting is a pathetically slow hike that devolves into crouching in the mud and bushwhacking through poison oak. Bless that child for mostly putting up with it. At least twenty minutes of each adventure, however, is spoiled by her wailing discomfort. Who can blame her? What I am willing to put up with to serve my precious ego.

I recently had a quick conversation in passing with a couple who have four boys. Their eldest was my student for two years, and he's a piece of work. The dad–a gentle, reticent fellow–said one thing to me: TGIM. He's damn right. As I gear up for five days "off," I am not allowing myself the same kind of excitement that I once had for vacation. I am older and wiser and know that my best moments will not be neck-deep in a coastal river or spidering my way up a piece of granite. They will be much harder earned, and will amount to a tender stare from my precious infant or the sincere words of my two-year-old, who told me tonight, "Dadda, you're my friend."

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Big Big Sur

Sick kid, sick dad, lots of time on windy roads - brings up for me the old adage that there is no such thing as fun for the whole family. Am I destined to have a miserable time on all future "vacations" now that I have a kid and another on the way? There is nothing relaxing about loading down the car with the portable crib, stuffed animals, and many metric tons of Pepperidge Farm products after work on a Friday. At least there were no airports involved.

The bright side: Fernwood's cabin #31, the Waterfall unit, was pretty great. Situated in a campground, one could hardly call what we did camping. We had a bathtub, a fully-stocked kitchen, and even a flat-screen TV with the second season of Seinfeld on DVD provided for us. A gorgeous river, home to spawning steelhead, gave Alec and I the opportunity to flip over rocks and look for invertebrate life. A mandolin and a guitar somehow fit atop the mountain of baby stuff, and a dappled light afternoon jam next to the river provided us deep, Trumer Pils-inspired satisfaction. On the way home, I got to take my son to the Monterey Aquarium for both of our first times - kids love sea otters.

Sadly, I missed all the music last night - Leila and Alec went - as I was watching my sick and sleeping son and was debilitated by my own aching, hacking cold/flu. Way to go, Compton, I heard you rocked it.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Looking for Something



When I close my eyes during mushroom season, I see golden spots tucked between decaying oak leaves. I imagine the bulging pine duff under which lies a magnificent porcini. I see the the fog rolling in off the Pacific, engulfing me and my basket in a fairy-strewn pine forest; the places I seek are solitary and enchanted, dank and musty.

I like eating mushrooms a lot less than I like gathering them. I have heard golf described as a good walk spoiled. If I could turn that expression around somehow, I might be able to better describe the pursuit of the fruiting bodies of subterranean mycelia. It is a myopic ramble through the alamedas immediately adjacent to major trails. These are the same places where poison oak and blackberry thrive, where rattlesnakes slither after sunning themselves on the sunny path. There are burrs, snags, and ticks; there are signs forbidding it, nearly everyone you talk to tells you a story about someone who got sick and died from eating a tasty-looking mushroom. Don't touch it! Weirdo. Hippie.

The first few times I go out each season, my eyes tire quickly from the strain of continuous looking. Soon, however, they adjust and become a reliable tool - and the only one I need. I carry a cheap, dull, wood-handled knife made in Czechoslovakia. My grandparents come from that faraway place where it is anything but strange to hunt wild mushrooms, and the knife is a kind of charm left to me by my gnomic grandmother. She was the first to turn me lose with a basket, when I was still close to the ground and armed with better than perfect eye site. She was a wise and beneficent employer. Each of my hunts is dedicated to her. She lives through me, elevates me in those out of the way places that bring me sanity in my ever more crowded life.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Walking Tornado


I have heard that nothing is worse than a dead blog...but I would argue that my friend Gary's recent Facebook post of an 80's Canadian rock band doing a reggae Jesus tune is a hell of a lot worse. Now perhaps you will forgive me for my prolonged silence.

Milo is a walking tornado. I suppose it's nice that he can get from place to place like any good biped, yet he has upped the potential for disaster tenfold. This evening he traipsed around the house with a metal fork, stumbling occasionally, stabbing expensive wooden furniture and giggling maniacally. We would love to trade him out a teddy when he gets a hold of dangerous metal, but knives are cooler than stuffed animals, as we all know. He has an innate sense of what he is not supposed to have, or somehow reads our fearful minds, and it is those things he seeks most.

After Milo goes to bed, Leila and I clean up his dinner area, where he inevitably gets tired of eating and starts chucking stuff at the dog. Unless it's meat that he throws, the dog wants nothing to do with his offerings. Then, as we extract him from his high chair, it is nearly impossible not to crush some of the orts beneath our feet. I have felt the cool, squishy sensation of a grape exploding between my toes, the unmistakable crunch of a tortilla chip beneath my heel, and the oozy redness of an organic strawberry left especially for my big toe.

After sponging off the rug, we collect his toys and bring them back to the toy corner like so many little boomerangs. The boy must have a thousand toys. There are the oversize Legos he uses as landmines,the trucks we buy to encourage his man instincts, the rat puppet and his kin, the instruments of cacophony, and the touch-and-feel books. They all have their special place in our oversize efforts to keep baby happy, and they all need putting away.

Extraordinary conditions must come together to produce the energy that creates a tornado. They run their destructive course, but they are short-lived. Milo is hell-on-wheels, but the kid goes to bed at seven, which gives Mama and Dada plenty of time to update long-dead blogs.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Redwoods, Rain, and Steelhead

A week now between the river and me, I have visions of redwood giants stretching toward the winter sky, a transparent flow carving through gorges on its way down the mountain and toward the sea, the constant unfurling of my fly line and its gentle swing in the current.
I hatched a plan this fall to use my paternity leave to go on a fishing trip with my father and brother. All of us are trout fishermen, and since moving to California I had heard anglers whispering to each other about steelhead, some shaking their head, apparently having quit the pursuit. A friend – one of these people I do not understand who has dropped trout and fly fishing for heavy tackle on the ocean – spoke of the illness that people get in the pursuit of steelhead. He spoke of “steelhead camp,” in which burly woodsmen spend a month or more camping out in the boonies trying to shoot an elk and bag a winter chromer. “Chrome heads,” he called them.
The nickname, the illness, the promise of fishing new wild rivers, and the potential fulfillment of living for a while in the pages of The River Why had me intrigued. I bought an expensive coffee-table book on the sport, The Complete Steelheader, by the young chrome aficionado and skilled writer James Larison.
I had a few months to read this technical text, which I plugged through each morning before work in the hour between six and seven, with my five-month-old hopping away next to me in his Rainforest Jumparoo™. As I think back, these were in fact ideal conditions for the escapism that is reading about fishing and sitting at the vice when you live hours from a river.
I tied big flies after work – popsicles, green-butted skunks, egg-sucking leeches in black and purple, glo-bugs, lifters, and steelhead shrimp. I eventually succeeded in filling a box with these gorgeous flies, and I dreamt about the opportunity to throw a tuck cast, mend once, and make contact with my swinging streamer until I felt the tap, tap of a winter steely. I imagined hauling in a ten-pound buck, a 12-pound hen, an 18-pound, sea lice-covered lunker fresh from the ocean.
The question of where to go consumed surprisingly little of my time. I have a fishing atlas that details the rivers of northern California; it made clear that there is no shortage of water in the northern reaches of the state. I wanted big trees, moss, wild edible fungus, and Sasquatch. Many rivers fit this profile. I figured the steelhead would follow.
A week before the trip, an unusual front hit the coast. Towering cumulonimbus clouds poured inches of rain. Lightning and thunder charged every afternoon with an excitement rare for the Bay Area. We have stratus clouds here, most often in the form of fog, or nothing at all. It’s an El NiƱo year, and the dominant currents in the Pacific have turned, bringing warm water from the south rather than the usual frigid stuff from Alaska. I watched the water levels climb each day and our options shrink.
The Eel was blown, and the Metole, so were the Russian, the Navarro, Redwood Creek, even the Klamath. The Mad would be marginally fishable. Only one coastal river promised to be clear – the thickest into Bigfoot country, the northernmost, the longest wild river in California – the Smith. The atlas showed extensive camping and a long section of fishable water. According to the local fly-shop’s “man on the water,” the fish were in.
The day finally arrived when my father and brother were to fly in, from Chicago and Durango, respectively. Dad is an insurance salesman, currently out of work, relatively new to fly fishing but a lifelong fisherman. We sent each other fishy text-messages for a month before the trip: “im gonna catch more fish than u,” “dont forget the night crawlers,” or simply “stoked?!” They remain in the backlog of my cell phone, electronic reminders of the fever that engulfs the expectant fisherman and harbingers of the campfire razzing sessions to come.
My brother is a guide at an upscale Alaskan lodge that costs fishermen nine thousand dollars per week. Each day he wakes before the sun to a gourmet breakfast, loads up an Otter floatplane and flies to a slice of untrammeled wilderness in pursuit of aggressive rainbows and oversized dolly vardens. The most difficult part of his job is avoiding the fish he does not want his clients to catch, namely, the salmon that at most times make Jesus’ feat of walking on water seem like no big thing.
He uses mice for the lemming “hatch” and an occasional strung-out leech. The guides’ favorite “fly” in those parts is a plastic bead painted with one of Revlon’s many elegant polishes, pegged to the line with a short section of 200-lb. monofilament, made lethal by a hook strung two inches below the delicious-looking egg. Fish takes, indicator dances, you snag ‘em. One could argue that it’s not snagging when the fish eats; however, in my short trial of this technique I caught one fish in the eye and another in the stomach.
Four hours after picking up my brother at the San Francisco airport, we woke to begin the drive. Torrential rain thudded against the canoe strapped to the roof of my rig. It seemed that the sun would never rise in the stormy darkness and increasingly unlikely that the fishing would be any good once we reached our destination seven hours north.
The ramshackle remains of the logging industry, the places people lived and worked, weigh heavy on Humboldt County. Cast under a sullen winter sky, the area felt like broken dreams. Brother and I invented a game to pass the time in which one of us would point to a rundown trailer and the other would make the throaty sound of a missile reaching its target.
We passed Eureka, Arcata, Klamath, and were finally amongst the moss-draped forest giants, plodding along the coast highway with booming surf to our left, Tsunami Warning Zone signs posted along the lowest sections of road. Each and every river, heralded by its bridge and small green signpost, was thick with clay sediment, pushing out on its banks as it rushed seaward.
Seven hours into our drive, we passed through Crescent City and crossed the Smith River. A massive volume of topaz water wound its way around a forest-lined bend in the river. The water clarity was good, perhaps even excellent, and our desire to get out of the car increased tenfold.
“Time to slay,” I offered.
“Godeem,” said Brother (a nuanced version of “got him”).
“Oh, yeah,” chuckled Dad.
We still had to navigate the uncertainty of where we would camp for the next five days, and as we discussed our options once more, the rain began falling harder. We had agreed not to give in to the temptation of paying for a hotel room; there was major tarpaulin real estate in the back of the truck, and we planned to create a kind of tent city. The first place we tried to camp – a state park – was thirty-five dollars a night for tent camping, though, and the Fleabag Motor Lodge back in Crescent City was starting to feel a little more reasonable.
I refuse to lay down more than twenty bucks for a spot in the dirt, and I have been known to commit significant acts of subterfuge to secure a free campsite.
“That’s a bit out of our price range,” I told the ranger at the kiosk. He kindly suggested a county park up the road but still on the river, and we headed to what would soon be home sweet home. Sure, it had its drawbacks – no toilet paper and a loquacious right-wing campground host – but we had the place to ourselves. We had the tents and tarps up in no time. Less than an hour after arriving, we were chest-deep in the Smith River, swinging streamers for the elusive steelhead.
“Can I please see your fishing licenses?” we heard from behind us. “Actually, forget about it, you guys are fly fishing. You’re not going to catch anything.”
I have done a lot of fishing in my life and have spent a small fortune on fishing licenses, yet I have to say that I have only ever had my license checked once. The odds are not good of getting a ticket for fishing without a license, but I have to imagine that the odds are even worse of meeting a game warden who will not even bother to check your license because he thinks you are such a dumb ass.
“What’s wrong with fly fishing?” I asked in my most respectful what-seems-to-be-the-problem-officer tone.
“There’s no problem with it,” said he, “it’s just that these fish are hard to catch. Plunkers in boats spend all day on the river and only catch one. This river is lined with willows, so you can hardly get off a cast with that rod. And the water’s high. The fish are down deep. You can’t possibly get down to ‘em.”
After a light-hearted conversation lasting five or ten minutes in the pouring rain, he drove off into the fading light, and the three of us looked at each other from under the dripping brims of our caps.
“He’s a zip gunner,” my brother offered, “and he doesn’t want people to fish here, because it means he has to do his job.”
He had a point, but the whole episode made my boots feel a little heavier on the way back up the hill to camp. The rain fell hard that night, so much that it permeated the fabric of the tent and my brother and I were made to drape rain jackets over our sleeping bags.
It was only night one, but I was already getting a strong sense of how winter steelheading earns its brawny reputation. I was also getting a pretty good sense of the appeal of staying in an expensive lodge. Yet I refuse to accept the common perception that fly fishing is a rich man’s sport; profound experiences are available to all those willing to surrender themselves to the river. This rain was baptismal, it was the river coming to us. There was more experience available to us out here in the rain than to the guys in the comfort of the lodge. Or so we told ourselves on that sodden night.
My family saved up coins for a year in a giant translucent Coke bottle to pay for our first trip to Yellowstone, a sojourn meant to fulfill my brother’s and my shared dream of fly fishing a Western river. I have always felt like an underdog in the world of fly fishing, and therefore entitled to catch a hell of a lot more fish than the doctors, lawyers, and stock brokers on the river. I fish for the home team, the real people of the world, the Americans (said with a George W. Bush accent), the salt of the Earth.
We woke well before dawn to Dad’s clamorous attempt to light the lantern and make Joe. No alarm clock needed: we had the old man with us. No matter, we had a big day in front of us that would surely involve a few steelhead torpedoes (at least one a piece?).
Ha. We fished ten hours a day for three days in a row. We waded the banks and drifted the deeps. We swung bright flies deep and natural flies shallow, deep-drifted Glo-bugs and skated caddis flies. We tried sink-tip and floating line, split shot and indicators. After what were surely thousands of casts, I thought I had torn my rotator cuff - and all I had to show for my efforts were four pathetic smelt. One of the fish, I suppose, earned the venerable title of “half-pounder.” My brother had fared no better, and Dad had entirely blanked. We fished some of the most scenic water I have ever seen and the most exciting moment of the trip was when a fish broke Dad off immediately after it grabbed his bunny leech and left his arms flapping.
Flash forward two months to a bright spring morning in the oak-lined hill country approaching the Sierra Nevadas. I am alone now, brother and Dad far off, and I am headed to a far less venerable stretch of hatchery water below a gratuitous reservoir. A few men are setting up rod holders next to their lawn chairs and coolers in the dawn light. Cool dew drapes the ground. Steelhead inhabit this river but have no chance of reaching the sea. They are inland, day-trip chromers, but the best I can hope for in the three-quarters of a day I can afford one Saturday out of six. I swing an articulated black leech past a boulder and feel a jiggle, a take, and am into my first-ever steely. The fish hardly fights me; I strip him into shore – a beautiful ruddy buck that I hold up for the lure chucker just downstream. I laugh at this silly pursuit and am reminded once again how hardly at all this sport is about the numbers.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

At Long Last

5:30 am does not seem so early to me when there is a river, a mountain, or an ocean waiting for me somewhere.

Leila gives me days when I can escape into the places that give me sanity and release - a day making telemark turns in Tahoe or launching fly line over the icy current of a steelhead river - while she spends yet another day in solitary care of Milo.

During the work week, I leave the house before eight and return after five, spending at most three or four hours in my role as a father. More of each day and week is spent as the teacher of my twenty-four needy fourth and fifth graders. One day and sometimes a night each week I spend time trying to remember who I am, the person with a basement full of gardening equipment and tools, outdoor gear and guitar cases. The time I spend remembering who I am, the outdoorsman and the musician, the more I want of it, yet the further I am enticed to veer from my priorities.

The little man is it - his two-toothed grin constantly reminds me - even if I have convulsions of wanting something else. Life is always pulling me one way or another.

It was a cool morning as I pulled on my waders, the sun just coming up on the almond trees on the ridge above the Mokelumne. I pieced together my fly rod, pulled the line through the eyelets and tied on a favorite hand-tied pattern. I plodded down to the river that had never seen my line, so much possibility before me. I stripped out some line, made some casts into the current, snagged the hook on a log. I moved upriver to a constriction that ended at a boulder. I took short casts, watching the fly swing past likely lies. I pulled out progressively more line, eventually swinging the fly, a big wiggly leech, just past the boulder. A large silvery flash then a tightening of the line. A deep breath, a thank you.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Hautee Cuisine

Corton - SATISFACTORY
239 West Broadway
New York, NY
(212) 219-2777

I have always enjoyed reading the most scathing restaurant and film reviews, the ones that make a reader squirm, that prompt chefs to take out full page newspaper ads to libel the reviewer, and I am pleased to begin my food blogging career with one such entry.

I came to Corton at the urging of a chef friend, an experienced foodie that introduced me in my early days as a New Yorker to Eleven Madison Park, DiFara pizzeria, Blue Hill, and the Spotted Pig - he opened my eyes, and my pocketbook, to the finest cuisine New York has to offer.

Our most recent foray brought us to the Bay Area's Manresa, which was one of the finest, most delicate meals I have experienced. David Kinch, the chef at Manresa, has inspired a growing number of chefs interested in preparing multi-course tastings of minute, painstakingly presented flavors. At Manresa, the flavors are clean, bright, and revelatory, and came to us over the course of a three-hour dinner - a long sit, but memorable. Go for a long walk before your meal and prepare to be blown away.

So perhaps it did not help that we flew in from the West Coast before we took a cab down to Tribeca for our 9:00 at Corton. As we entered with our slumbering four-month-old strapped to my wife's chest, the maitre d' maligned, "We have no strollers, buggies, baby seats, or anything like that here." Hmm, I didn't know some restaurants were offering buggies, I thought.

We were seated in a timely manner and ordered a delicious Chateau Latour from their extensive list of pricey French wines. Don't come to Corton in search of bargains or Nero d'Avolas. We were promptly served three biscuit-like nibbles that were unmemorable and according to my mother-in-law, really dry. Nevertheless, they served to coat our mouths with some butter to help balance the acid of the wine.

The amuse-bouche arrived soon thereafter; a light foam gave way to a rich, buttery foie gras, which hinted at the theme for the night - something like a French bubble bath. The experience was opposite my childhood Dannon Fruit on Bottom yogurt cups - I enjoyed the light, clean top and was slightly disappointed when I got to the flavor bomb at the bottom. Mother-in-law: "I don't like French food." Things weren't looking up.

We ordered the three-course tasting and covered most of the menu. Our family tradition is to nibble and pass, which puts off diners squeamish about sharing, but allows us to taste a wide range of what a kitchen offers. "From the garden," a dish that actually earns its own quotation marks on the menu, is a nod to David Kinch and Alain Ducasse, and was the family favorite. Snappy autumn vegetables and fragrant herbs were indeed reminiscent of a rich vegetable garden, fat and salt took a back seat to the illuminating qualities of well-selected produce.

The downside of passing dishes at a place like Corton is that each dish comes with three or four separate components. Our three-course prix fixe came with no less than twenty-five plates. We puzzled at first over why a chef would not plate these minutiae on one large plate and decided that most of the flavors were not designed to go in one's mouth at the same time. In fact, we puzzled over how, and in what order, to eat each item. It was as if the item on the menu was served in the middle on a larger plate, like a sun, and a series of small plates orbited the larger dish, like satellites. Unfortunately, the flavors rarely belonged in the same solar system.

Worst of all, we waited over an hour between our appetizers and main course, and when we complained, they rushed our entrees out undercooked. The fish, one a cod and the other a striped bass, was chewy, requiring a knife to tear apart, clearly not spending enough time in whatever sous vide or confit contraption it was that took over an hour to cook the diminutive pieces of fish. The sauces were tasty, but come on, fish? Get it right. The duck, too, was a let down. Rare strips of breast meat were topped with a chewy piece of fatty skin - good thinking, mediocre execution.

The brioche is a good dessert. Don't bother with the others. The fruit version of the "From the Garden" paled in comparison, served as the wrong punctuation for a sentence that began pretty well and got progressively worse. On our way out of the restaurant, the maitre d' could not find my mother-in-laws coat, because it had fallen on the floor.

One snooty diner commented not too subtly that she had expected a nice restaurant, not a daycare. Our baby had slept through the entire hours-long experience, attached to my wife's chest, so we were nonplussed, to say the lease. Perhaps it was the food that was at the heart of her discontent, or the pretentious service, or the time between courses. Or perhaps she was delusional, and she liked the restaurant. One can't be sure.




Tuesday, September 1, 2009

A New Day

It's hard already, and we haven't hardly gotten started. I was never one for the nine to fiver - a ski bum and NOLS instructor, a kayaking guide and sometimes substitute teacher. These were not choices I made to celebrate my early twenties; I was proclaiming and celebrating each day a lifestyle I believed in. I began believing in it in high school English class, having my eyes opened by the pages of The Death of Ivan Ilyich and The Fall, hearing a story from my cherished teacher about a father, unhappy with the choices he had made in his dreary life, that while driving constantly considered steering into oncoming traffic. I did not infer at the time that he must have been talking about himself, but I did get the point - don't let life get away from you. Take it and make it your own. And reflect on it, damn it, or it's empty.

So here I am, in the spirit of reflection and in an attempt to be true to myself, admitting that it's been hard transitioning to fatherhood, and now especially as I get back to my seven-thirty to fiver. I was for a week without Milo - which though people like to joke must have meant a welcome return to blissful nights of uninterrupted slumber - I missed him and the new me like crazy. I'm not whole without my little one even at this early juncture, and to work through the day as an emotionally partial human being makes me short with incompetent colleagues, less willing to put up with my boss's transparent attempts to make employees work much more than they are paid for, and bitter when I get home that my wife has spent the whole day with Milo. And there you have it, the sad tale of every working parent in the history of modern America.

So I'm not asking you to feel bad for me, but letting you know that the same me that resisted the nine to fiver in the first place does not buy in or accept this shopworn model of work and parenting. I plan on carving out a new path (or is it an old one?) that avoids the high-speed superhighway of drivers compelled by their self-loathing to steer into oncoming traffic, the one with speed limits and obnoxious tailgaters, the one where pulling over and taking a break puts a traveller in grave danger of being trampled. I seek a foot path, one that meanders and whose nebulous nature makes it sometimes hard to follow. It's surrounded by untamed wilderness, and thunderstorms will rain down in all their beautiful intensity. But it never misses the best vistas, I can always set my own human pace, and every place is a good one to stop and take a break.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Milo and Desmond

Again, no perceivable reaction to other baby!